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16.aug.06
Again, it's been a long time since I've posted updates. Not sure if anyone is still reading, but here you go. i've been insanely busy! 8/6/05 i got married. in the past year, i've started up my professional photography business, wreckless photography. It's been a great endeavor and I've been obsessively motivated to get my business up and running. I've managed to connect myself with important indivuals in the business, and have learned a great deal of lessons; lessons I didn't even have to learn on my own because someone else learned them and then shared their wealth of knowlegde. I owe a great deal to tanja lippert for being a great friend and fellow photographer inspirer - for giving me the creative tools for pursuing something i'm so in love with. for providing jon and i with a wonderful photographic experience with our own wedding and engagement.
also, to david jay who has inspired me to use my business to give me freedom. freedom being time with my family and time giving myself to others instead of working needlessly, endlessly on vast amounts of images. he's provided me with tools to keep my business fun, something i can remain in love with because he has layed out the rules so meticulously, that once again, i can learn from the experiences of others to help my own business, and in return, i will gladly share my gifts of knowledge to others. there are so many things i want to say right now! i'm on myspace and am actively an OSP member as well as active of pictage forums. learning about something i love is so addicting! i really would love to update this site more, and i've said it so many times, but writing is a huge part of me, it's so theraputic, that i really want to keep updating my poetry posts.
i've also managed to keep myself majoring in biology, which fullfills yet another section of my heart. i love learning about the workings of our body - what does it mean to be "living" - and what the variances in genes among us humans! what makes me tick? what do i need to do to keep things running properly and efficiently? it's crazy, i know....but it's another thing that i don't ever really stop thinking about.
IM me if you get the chance, i'd love to chat!
11.dec.05
Wow, it's been a whole two seasons since i've updated. to say the least, i've been busy, but part of me not writing has been a lack of focussing on my part, for which i partake in great sadness with all of you who have been meaning to follow along. wow, talk about run on sentences, i felt like that sentence needed to stop, so i did. but i also don't really think many people really browse around, or know how to navigate this site since it has so many doors to choose from.
so i got married this past summer, in the heat of an oregon afternoon, outside in the forest. it was magical. everyone was laughing and walking about like happy shadows, at least in my mind; the wedding went by like a fast car driving by in a blur - and i was just there. taking it all in. it was great, but sorrowful because it went by so fast, and there were so many more people i wanted to hug. big hugs. i ended up planning the wedding in 2 1/2 months, and for how short of time i had, it went by as well as expected. there were a few knots, but for the most part, i have fond memories. i'm still not sure what the rush was, as far as a date; i guess i just wanted to do what i knew was inevitable. i guess that's how love is. just ready. love is ready for anything. prepared for spontaneity. how lovely it can be. i think if it were to be any more days from august 6th, it would've been even more stressful.
so now we're in a town in the north bay, starting with a "P." the other Ptown, i wish it were portland. california is really nice, weather-wise, but the city is over run by the homeless who flock here because corrupted politicians hand out CASH to the poor and jobless. they go buy drugs, and it becomes a nesting place for the psychotic. i hate that it's overcrowded. we're moving to colorado, and i can't wait. we're building a house there, and i am so excited to be in a peaceful place with lots of places to visit that are quiet. a haven for me to write, compose, and create. i can't tell you what this means to me, as someone who thrives on this constant creativity flowing though my veins. i'm also studying biology and genetics there until i graduate.
i'm sorry it's been so long. i have christmas break soon, after finals, and i hope to write more, and add millions of pictures to my gallery, especially ones taken with my EOS 3. it's a faithful friend. you'll see why soon. i'm going to establish WRECKLESS PHOTOGRAPHY very soon when i get some time this spring.
thanks for checking in. hopefully i'll see you soon, or hear from you. or hug you. that would just rock my world.
02.mars.05
so it's been over a month since i've updated anyone on my precious little life, as if there are angry wreckless fans who actually care that i blogblogblog. but, in the case that someone out there cares, my life is really crazy right now. however, i don't think there's ever been a time in my life i didn't say that. it doesn't mean it's not true, it just means that i've put myself into some really different situations and environments.
i went snowboarding near truckee at Boreal for the second time this winter. i loved it, and rented a really awesome rossignol board and brandnew boots. i think i'm really getting the hang of things now. after only going twice, which is a lot more than most of the people on the slopes can say. most boarders i've seen (on the three slopes i ride) look like they're still learning. i feel very proud that i only "fell" once this past time, even tho it was really more just a sitting down of sorts...so i can unstrap my boot. yah, just sitting. *ahem, cough, cough*.
so, in other matters, after the disaster of all those midterms, i've been totally stressed out about getting back into the swing of studying. the past few weeks have been a huge challenge in practically every area of my life. however, i've been glad to have my mom's sweet, loving, understanding support. that's one thing that is really getting better nowadays. i miss my family right now, and wish i could just go back for the weekend. maybe when the weather gets nicer and less rainy. on the contrary, i'd like it to rain here, because that means more snow to ride on. and that means less bruises. (both times i've gone, the snow had melted and then froze on top over night...*poor my butt*).
i took a 4 hour nap today instead of going to math class. i don't really know what i was thinking, but i think sleeping that long is an indicator of the amount of stress i'm under and lack of sleep. this week, i'm going to spend a lot of time organizing my life. getting a half of the years pictures off of my computer and into scrapbooks. i'm tired of having only digital pictures. i need the real thang baby. i feel like over the past few months, my mind, my house, my car have all gone to crap - i've neglected things i really should try to stay on top of - it might ease some of the stress.
i miss my sis. she hasn't called in a few weeks, and i'm kinda worried about her.
i applied for scholarships and i'm counting on and hoping for extra support beside working a part time job next year. this year has been so lacking in the financial department. thank god for parents and great friends bailing me out so many times. thank god i found a great job. thank god period. i'm so blessed and grateful i've been able to return to school, i just never imagined how different it would be from the working world.
i really need to start painting, and writing, and updating my blog and poems on wreckless. i feel like i have so so so so so so so so much to say, and so little ways to say it. so much is pouring out of me, yet it's not in a language i can easily articulate. i wish i had a translator.
good news: my boss built me a mac lappy g3. it has OSX on it, which i love. sorry to say, i think i'm a hybrid mac/pc user now. talk about things i would never thought i'd be. life is insane.
29.janvier.05
school is officially getting serious for the semester. the first two weeks are usually adjusting weeks - scheduling changes, adjusting to teachers and what books are required, etc. but now it's official. i'm taking 3 classes so far - 11 credits. whoopie. i need one more to be fulltime. but i really like having these 3. my schedule looks like this
- sociology of marriage and family
- biological anthropology
- math 27/pre-calc, trig
i've already taken trig in HS, and also in college, but that was at least 4 years ago, and i'm out of practice. i didn't want to jump into calculus, but i'm having a lot of fun in trig. i got a perfect score on my math test this week. also on my anthro test. seems like i'm off to a great start.
i'm having an easy time organizing my schedule even tho i have less time for play. when i'm really busy, i stay really focused, which seems conversely true with most people. i guess i'm a strange phenomenon. i work 24 hours a week (at least), go to the gym 5 days a week (at least for a few hours each time) and manage to have a full schedule with school, time for homework, and time for jon. it's amazing how i pull it off. last semester i didn't even have a job, and couldn't find time for much of anything...didn't really even try that hard in school. managed to get a's anyway...but STILL!
trying to plan my vacation next weekend to go snowboarding in tahoe. however, apparently, it's high season..so every hotel (even the cheap ones) are double or more of the price from just a few weeks ago. plus, lift tickets are a lot of $$$. so basically, we're going to pick the cheapest hotel (even if it's kinda out of the way of the resort) and go to the place with the cheapest lift ticket. usually you can get great deals/packages including hotel and lift tickets, but you have to book 2 or more days of staying. we only need one day. oh well. maybe next weekend (holidays) we can stay longer. i'm really excited to learn since i've only been skiing.
well that is it for now. time to put ben and jerry's away.
18.janvier.05
are you ever so deep in thought right as you fall asleep, that you start thinking about really crazy things? like the things that, if you happen to wake up a few minutes into that deep thought (assuming that if you don't, you probably won't remember what you were thinking about in the morning), you can't rationally explain? it's happened to me many times, and i'm just now realizing the frequency of its occurance. in fact, it happened this afternoon before (or while depending on if you consider this half-sleep actual sleep) taking a nap.
so, i'm actually going to bed right now, at 10:36. i didn't have school yet this week due to the martin luther king jr. holiday, but have been working instead, which is great. i'm tired. zzzzzzzzzzzzz.
08.janvier.05
i keep writing 2004, and trying to remember when it wasn't 2003 up until now. here are some new year's resolutions:
- earn money (as in, have a job; see next)
- pay my roomate ontime
- learn to appreciate people more like i did in the 'old days.' i feel like i haven't been a super good friend at all this past year, and i'd like to change that.
- call my grandparents monthly to tell them how i'm doing because i know one phonecall a year makes their whole year wonderful, and they always are begging for a phone call or a letter. for christmas, my grandma got me some stationary and envelopes that had her address and stamps on them.
- call my family more. i call my mom and sis practically every day, but i'd like to keep up with the rest of them, even though they're so far away.
- go to tahoe and learn how to snowboard
- spend time in person with katie more since she lives so close-by.
- get to know my roomate
- get back to a daily workout routine. go to the gym at least 4 times a week for cardio/and add in kung fu work outs/or weight training. BE CONSISTENT!
- find ways to show the people i love how much i love them
- learn about the body-before i get into o-chem or a more specialized physiology class.
- work really hard this semester and ace every class
- keep up with wreckless, without letting it fall by the wayside when i get sorta busy. it's an important part of my life, and i think it helps me stay creative and mentally stable.
- forgive the debts of last year, forgive the sins of last year, forgive myself and move on sista!
so that is the list for now, off the top off my head. i feel like every new year gives you the motivation for change. and if you take advantage of all the hype instead of dissing it, you might find yourself where you want to be at the beginning of the next year.
05.janvier.05
tahoe baby. i went up to lake tahoe with jon this past weekend to go tubing. we ended up having a lot of fun. the roads were totally clear the whole way. Highway 50 got a little slushy right as we got into south lake tahoe, ca through nevada, but not icey at all, not even at 12am. so we went to hanson's tubing hill at the base of heavenly, ca - but we really meant to go up the mountain and to experience the "big boy and girl" tubing hill, but someone didn't really understand my printed out instructions on how to get there. anyway, we had a lot of fun being children again and playing on the children's hill. : )
so i'm getting back to working out consistently. well, at least i'm really making it a point to develop great exercising habits before school starts so i have a schedule of working out when school starts and everything gets crazy again.
i love love love my job. maddy is a sweet angel, and you can tell the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. 8 hours flies by.
25.decembre.04/aka: christmas day
home for the holidays. home for the goodness, unfortunately, having to deal with the badness as well. turmoil, anxiety, and madness are a few key words when i'm talking about coming home to visit oregon. i guess i love it as much as i hate it. christmas diner was really awesome - we had it at my cousin's house, and the guy at wreckless came along too for a few hours. my grandpa was really happy that everyone was talking and laughing. i felt so happy just to be surrounded by laughter and love. and then after dinner, when it was time to play pictionary (one of my fav's to play with all the family), my grandparents decided to leave, shortly followed by my dad (who never gets involved in anything fun even if i beg), my mom (who said she was tired and needed to go home to rest - who was home here hanging out wide awake when i got back), and my ragged-off sister. i just really hate it when people are "party-poopers" and ruin all the excitement. so mom, dad and sister decided to leave- which ended up working out since we had a lot of fun when it was just my aunt, cousins, and me. it's weird how i'm a lot like my mom and my sister is a lot like my dad in many regards. it's hard to be around it since i have a hard time being around my dad's attitude. it's hurtful, direspectful, and demeaning. anyway, my point is that i really had an awesome time until after dinner, and especially when we were playing the game after a lot of the people left. i shouldn't be upset, but i'm tired of hoping for the unusual. i'm tired of thinking this time may be different.
thinking about going to church tomorrow. my smile hurts - i've seen a lot of people i haven't seen for years on this trip home. i've had to tell a lot of people what i've been up to, and all the changes in my life. not that i don't really really want to go to church, it's just that there are about 50 people that are going to be asking me the same questions. i woke up with a sore throat, and i'm going to take that as a sign to slow down a bit.
24.decembre.04
so life in oregon is fine and dandy; i got to hang out with the family, shop for my new baby cousin, go out to dinner with the guy at wreckless and have the priveledge of playing pool with him (2-2), and talk to my sweetie in california. parents have this tendency of treating us "kids" as if we're still 12 years old. i'm working on practicing piano, trying not to go crazy here at the house. i mean, i love my family. it's just a little stressful when they're always on your case about something or another when all you want to do is just relax. i mean, come on, how often do their daughters come around? of course there'll be a few more "items" scattered around the house than usual. anyway, i'll get off my high horse and hope there's some reason everyone is still anal here. man, i loooooove living on my own.
totally freaking out now for suz. poor woman, i mean, she's not "poor" but my gosh, the things that woman has to deal with! i spent a few hours with her today, which is good considering i didn't expect to see her for a while since she moved down to vegas. i'm hoping she'll be able to stay with me and the girls in cali for a few days. there are so many things to do with the girls there.
anyway, my point is, it's really got me thinking about the whole marriage thing. i guess i used to be really really cynical about it; i always said i never would get married...and i was consistently the one in the relationship that ends it. and i dunno, i just got over that. when you're afraid of committment like i was, the only cure is to fall in love. so when that happened, i immediately wasn't afraid anymore. i felt like if i was never single again for the rest of my living days, i would be perfectly content. but now, my feelings are changing - and i don't know if it's just me being scared, but i know it has to do with a few things. first of all, the news shows report about all these husbands killing their pregnant wives or dentists murdering their wives, it just freaks me out. it makes me feel like no one can be trusted. people's feelings are constantly changing - to a point where you may have no control over it. it'll be nothing that you have done, their heart will just change and become cruel and bitter, reckless and enraged. and this stuff with my friends, all the divorce and the spouses totally changing and being mean and bossy or really distant, it makes me cry to think about it. that is the last thing i want for myself. for me to end up like some "once was" when i just want to be the sparkle in someone's eye. i want someone to look at me, in my worst state of being, i want them to look over at me with respect and honor and grab my hand and tell me i'm the most beautiful person they've ever seen. i want that, and i'm sorry if it sounds unrealistic, but come on. and it's not like i'm giving up on that, it's more like my own acceptance of the fact that someone loves me that much. it scares the hell out of me. i thought i was over this.
16.decembre.04/part two: finals are over
i'm done. yep, you heard me right, i'm through with finals. i feel so awesomely groovy right now, i'm actually insanely happy. i think i did REALLY REALLY well on my chem final. i mean, i should've, i studied yesterday for so many hours that i almost felt burnt out already. i was hoping that wouldn't affect the test. but it didn't. when i was studying, i felt like i wasn't going to even pass, but during the 3 1/2 hours i was in the class room tonight, i was getting all the problems right, and i knew how to do them very well - and if i didn't, i just thought up a way that seemed logical.
in other news, i'm coming home on sunday. suz is picking me up in her SUV (so we can get through the 2 mtn. passes in the snow)- and i'm going to stay in oregon probably until the 29th, depending on the weather, and if i'm going insane being at home all that time or not. we'll see!
otherwise, if found a really crafty, awesome thing to make for christmas gifts for my family - i'm going to use my computer, my art, and my brain to come up with something really special i know they'll all like.
as far as boyfriends, : ) blah i have not a clue. i didn't get anything last year from a boyfriend, so i'm depressingly not hoping for anything this year. i mean, old habits are hard to break, right? not that i really want one for myself, it's just the thought i guess- that comes from the place in your heart where you desire to make the ones you love feel cared about. maybe i'm too cynical. pain will do that to ya.
so other than all that, i'm working tomorrow and afterward, getting to spend a nice night at the movies and dinner with my sweet. it's the last date i'll have with him until i get back from christmas vacation. : (
agenda for christmas:
- drive home on sunday to oregon
- have some dinner and get in jammies and lounge on the comfy couches with mom and lyns
- sleep
- wake up WHENEVER i feel like it!
- do nothing
- do nothing with lynsey
- watch movies
- think about anything but school, homework, and finals
- eat cottage cheese and peaches
- do more nothing
- have brenda trim my hair
- nothing
- drive up to panoramic drive and see gp from the mountains
- see jack and pat, rach and alex, laurie and daren, my best friend laurie, visit with suz and the girls, julie, katie, and last but not least, the guy at wreckless
- remember to see other people i'm forgetting right now
- visit with family on christmas
- eat christmas dinner
- spend time with mom on her birthday
- go back to california at some point
16.decembre.04
super-saturation of the mind. it gets to the point where my mind can't take any more information. i spent 6 1/2 hours last night focussing on chem. and practicing 11 chapters worth of problems. i have to get a d+ on my test to keep my grade. right now, i'm really doubting myself since i'm just mentally exhausted from having 17 weeks of the same subjects. and i've done all my finals except this one; i'm ready to be done. it's just that last stretch of track, that last quarter of a lap that you feel like dropping to the ground - where you feel like the only thing that's going to get you to that finish line is angels picking you up by your arms and flying you there. i need some angels.
*looks up*
15.decembre.04/aka: finals day
one down one to go. so i woke up this morning around 6, got coffee at johnny's java down the street (non-fat white chocolate mocha with a half shot of peppermint torani syrup), and headed to my 7am final in physiology. i took really great notes yesterday, and was pretty prepared, only, i left one chapter's notes at home. so i had to do some educated guessing, which i know i'm pretty darn good at! chemistry is next tomorrow night, and i can't bring myself to start practicing problems. jaime (my roomate) and i have been working on cleaning up the house, which is my form of procrastination. i'm not too stressed about chemistry. i need a 67% on the final to keep my current grade. i have little chance at getting an 'a,' but there's always hope. especially since i plan on taking this class again this summer/fall.
i never mentioned that i am currently employed after 5 months of searching for a job. i work in novato, ca for a delightful mom, and really relaxed family. i love this job so much so far. the baby is beautiful, sweet, and smart. see the mother's art here. anyway, i have to get on that studying. at some point. after i go buy candles. and skittles. and another mocha. all factors contributing to a fullfilling day.
jaime, my roomate cutting down out christmas tree!
my current favorite painting by gustav klimt, "The Kiss."
14.decembre.04
school goes like this--
one day, "wow, this is really easy, i feel so smart!"
next couple of days, "um, okay, well i'll just study this stuff over the weekend."
next week, "okay, maybe if i were a little more organized, i can get my act together and pull a 'b'."
the following two weeks, "i need a tutor." (sees tutor).
the next few weeks after that, "wow, i feel like i'm really getting a handle on this."
midterms studying, "wow, after all that hard work, i feel like i will pass the midterm with an 'a'!"
taking midterm test, "wow, i feel so confident"(last one in the classroom)
midterms are over, get the test back, (goes to bathroom to cry) "i must be a dunce to get those wrong!"
next following week, "wow, it's easy again, i swear i'm going to get an 'a' in the class"
next following month, (struggles to pass class), "omg, maybe i'm not cut out for school."
months later, (trying to pass the class, getting excited about getting an average of 67% on tests), "maybe if i get 'a's in all my other classes and F won't look so bad!"
finals week, (h-e-double hocky sticks), can't concentrate on anything school-related
finals are over....(well that hasn't happened yet, but i'll tell you the outcome soon).
so...
here i am, it's 744p and i'm stalling. i love to wait till the very last second i have a chance in accomplishing something great. physio notes. did 3 chapters in an hour. have about 12 total. i can do this. (eats undercooked hotdogs out of a milk class with mustard and ketchup at the bottom...yum). oi, the college-life.
13.decembre.04
its funny how when you're doing the 'wrong thing' people are thrilled to tell you. and when you're doing the right thing, they're finding ways to turn it into a wrong thing, and still are thrilled to tell you you're wrong. i just don't understand. why the drama? why?
12.decembre.04
homesick. i'm officially missing oregon again. it's weird how i'll go for months without really thinking much about it, and then KABBAM! i'm missing my friends and my family like crazy. i spent a full hour or more crying my poor little eyes out because i was so lonely. my only true friend is jon here, and so he's who i spend most of my free time with. katie lives in vallejo but i rarely see her. i'm tired of not making friends that i can relate to. vistara is one of my friends from class, but i'm not sure i really can think of her as a friend since we never really do anything that isn't class-related. one time i walked her back home. that was it.
i can't stand the fact that i'm so far away from the ones i love. even the boys i used to take care of, they're in north carolina, and we mutually miss each other a lot. i guess nadine said that when she goes to tuck matthew in bed, he says "no mommy, i want my DEE DEE!!!! (it's the way he says keke, my nickname)!" i miss hanging out at chuck and suz's to watch a movie or just mess around in the living room. i miss having long talks with carrie and snuggling up to watch the million reruns of friends. i miss the mountains. the sky. the absolute cold of winter. the warmth of a summer night. the smell of trees that blows through grants pass almost every day. traffic-less freeways. snow. my old bed. my old room. dancing to britney spears with my sister in the living room. our christmas trees every year. the record we've played every single christmas holiday. coffee from dutch bros. driving with jenn. going to watch latigo (rach's band) play at that restaurant by the high school. i miss my old teachers, especially my trig teacher, misses tice. hanging out with the guys from high school, kelsey and me being the only girls. the time jessica and i put on boxing gloves and fought it out. i was just talking to susie, trying to make plans to come up for the holidays and she reminded me of the time i met her and the kids and chuck and some friends up in the mountains by spencer creek.
i guess i'm trying to say that while i'm terribly sad right now, it'll pass and i think over-all i've made the right decision on staying here. sometimes, doing the right thing, living out your destiny isn't the easiest decision. it often proves to be the hardest possible route. but it doesn't mean that something glorious won't come out of it.
9.decembre.04
this is a picture taken from my car when i was driving through the siskyous after thanksgiving. i've almost graduated from html 1, section 1317 at santa rosa, and i've learned so much, and feel like i have a better handle on webpage layout design. instead of using ImageReady, i've picked up on how to place images and text without using pictures that look like text and spacer.gifs.
the end of the semester is coming up and i am so excited. Fall 04 i had:
- physiology 50- fitness and wellness
- sociology 2- study of the deviances of society
- html 1- beginning html
- transfer counseling- a class to prepare me for transfering to a 4 year school or master's program
- chem 51- beginning chemistry/aka, chemistry for losers that i've struggled through all semester. thank you, hidden valley high school for not requiring me to take chemistry so that i would be better prepared for college.
so registering is a nightmare. apparently, you are blocked online for classes if you don't have the prerequisites. so you have to go to the admissions and records office, fill out a prerequisite equivalency form, and turn it in right there, and they unblock you without ever checking to see if you actually have had those prereqs on your transcripts.
anyway, so my Spring 2005 class are as follows:
- phil 5-critical thinking
- math 27-some pre-calc/trig type of math that i've already taken 4 years ago
- apgr50-applied graphics for typography
- art-don't know the technical name, but it's a painting weekend class for relaxing
- soc 10-sociology of marriage and the family
anyway, i'm going to love my classes, and especially can't wait to start taking my physiology/biology classes to learn about our bodies! i've had the opportunity to talk to a couple of my professors, but the most helpful and encouraging has been Dr. chris Christopher (no, not a type-o). he's my physiology teacher, and got a degree in the area i want to as well, so i've been talking to him frequently over this semester.
all in all, i've had a tough time adjusting, but really am glad i'm back in school. i feel like this is a positive change that needed to happen, and happened in god's timing.